If Only I Had Known
by Marie of Ace
Summary: Riku’s hatred for Sora is driving him insane, but can old feelings and memories of a first kiss turn hate into lust?


If Only I Had Known

Summary: Riku's hatred for Sora is driving him insane, but can old feelings and memories of a first kiss turn hate into lust?

Duh. If it didn't I wouldn't even bother writing this. Without the hot boy on boy action, it'd just be….

Riku: Sora I hate you!

Sora: But all I did was CARE!

Riku: Shut up, wussy boy! slash

Sora: nnnnNNnnNnNOOooOooOO!

I do not own Kingdom Hearts; it belongs entirely to Square Enix and partially to Disney, even though they had nothing to do with making the game or story line. (Thankfully.) However, I have been known to seriously pwn Ansem's sexy arse during the final battles.

And thus, on with the smut. Which isn't really smut….

* * *

Broken glass scattered across the floor. A table smashed to the ground, sending books and papers everywhere. Blood blurred my vision and stained my hands as a vase shattered between them, but the pain was nothing; nonexistent. Anger had taken over my senses. I know I'll feel this in the morning, but I don't care. 

All I know is that I hate him. I hate him with everything that I am, every fiber in my body, every drop of blood in my veins…

_Sora…_

My best friend…you were supposed to be looking for me and Kairi, not playing around with some stupid new friends! Am I that replaceable! That forgettable! How dare you!

I knocked the contents of my desk to the ground with one sweep of my arm, cursing that idiot. Finally, the room in complete disorder, I slumped to the floor, panting. I bit my lip until it bled, willing tears not to come. He hurt me, and will never forgive him.

In fact…I will repay him for it tenfold. He will know every bit of pain I've been feeling these past months and more. Him and his new friends. Maleficent has assured me that they will pay, but she works too slow, biding her time, gathering strength. I don't need any of that; what I need is revenge…

Revenge for the pain…

Revenge for the lies…

Revenge for wasted years of friendship…

Revenge for that accursed memory that plagues me every time I think of him…

* * *

_It was only an experiment…a test…a silly little curiosity of ours. _

_But that curiosity awakened feelings I never knew existed. _

_Feelings of love, lust, want…need… _

"_Riku, have you ever wondered what a kiss feels like?" he had asked me. He'd been thirteen, but for some reason his question surprised me._

"_I…I suppose…I've never had one before, except from my mother, but that's completely different from a real kiss, like from an actual girl." Do moms count as girls? I still don't know._

_Wait, was he blushing? Indeed, that scamp was redder than a strawberry._

_Who says scamp anymore?_

"_Why?" I continued, "Is there a girl you like?" A disgusted face was my answer. I burst out laughing. "I was certain you liked Kairi, though…"_

"_As a friend." The brown haired boy had dismissed. Such soft hair… "What I really wanted to ask is if…if you would show me what a kiss is like…" is it possible to be redder than a strawberry? Obviously it was back then. _

_I had looked at him strangely for a moment, sitting there on the paopu tree…maybe the tree in itself was a sign…I was confused; why did I want to agree? Boys can't kiss other boys, can they? But I agreed…and we kissed…_

_His lips had been so soft, like little pink rose petals, moist with morning dew…_

_And we kissed again, his arms cautiously encircling my neck. I remember thinking that the brat had been watching too many romantic movies lately, but I put my hands on his waist and pulled him closer, brushing those petals with my tongue. He'd been eating fruit roll ups all day…_

_Fruit…rather appropriate, if I do say so…_

_I spent the night at his house that night. We kissed all night, lying in his bed, hoping to the spirits that his mom wouldn't walk in to remind him to change his underwear in the morning._

_She didn't. We were undisturbed the whole night._

_The next morning we had both felt dirty, as if we'd done something wrong…Tidus had been caught kissing Wakka on the cheek last night and was punished severely by his father. After hearing about this we both knew what we had done was wrong beyond all measures. We agreed to never speak of it again…_

* * *

I kicked out at my bed post. Pain seared up my leg and I swore, throwing myself on the dark green sheets and growling into the pillows. I felt childish, throwing such a huge tantrum, thinking of old memories when I should have been destroying the very person responsible for them. 

I decided then that I had to go see him. I had to see him right now, either to bash his face in or to scream my lungs out. Or both.

I want both.

But most of all…I just want Sora to love me again…to be my friend and forget about the others and be only mine…Mine to kiss, to make love to, to punish and hurt if I so desire…I know I'm selfish; so what? He owes it to me. If it weren't for him I would be whole, I wouldn't be in so much pain, and I wouldn't even be here in Maleficent's castle. I wouldn't have lost my innocence to that bastard Ansem…

It's all Sora's fault.

I lost it. With an angry cry I darted across the room and broke through the window, landing painfully on my knees outside, but not even caring. I tore off across the grounds of the castle, pounding toward the Gummi Ship dock. Once inside my ship, I set it on auto pilot for Traverse Town. I knew I'd find him there, if not at this very moment, then soon. He'd be there, somehow I knew he would.

Simply the fact that soon I'd be seeing him calmed me. I collapsed into the comfortable pilot chair and felt myself drifting away…darkness consumed my thoughts, I imagined all the ways I could hurt him, break him, punish him…

All the ways I could love him…

* * *

As soon as I awoke, I knew he was close by. I slunk past the huge wooden gates, searching out the inn I knew he'd be at. No one saw me as I ran along the streets of the Second District; it was late, very late. 

I opened the first door I came to; some girl in a lot of pink.

The next door; empty

Finally, I opened the door to Sora's room. He lay asleep in his bed, under several warm covers, that beautiful hair resting on the soft pillow. He looked stunning in his sleep, lips parted slightly.

But I couldn't let emotions get the best of me. He needed to pay, and he was long overdue.

I grabbed a fistful of his hair and yanked him up, angrily. The startled cry he gave pleased me immensely. I covered his mouth with my hand and leaned forward.

"Do you have any idea what I've been through because of you?" I whispered dangerously in his ear. His staggered breathing and wide eyes gave away his fear. He started trembling and trying to get away from my grip. So I tightened it. "You've put me through more hell than any demon or devil could even hope to, and you've got the gall to prance about with your new friends and ignore your old ones completely. So tell me, Sora…what was I to you? A toy? A distraction?"

He whimpered and shook his head wildly, tears forming in his eyes. I didn't care. He had no idea…

"Because of you, I've lost every thing! My dignity, my innocence, my soul, my virginity! And what have you lost! Nothing! You've got everything you want, don't you?"

My anger now was nothing compared to what it was before. I flung him to the ground and stepped on his back as hard as I dared without breaking it. He let out a cry of pain that gave me no satisfaction. But it was a start. I pulled him up again and punched him in the face again and again.

"You don't understand!" he cried, voice choked from pain and tears that were now streaming freely down his face. "I've looking for you the whole time! I was worried, I…"

"Then where the hell were you when I was being attacked by Heartless? Being beaten and raped by that fuckhead Ansem? Where the hell were you?" I roared, backhanding him so hard he spun away and crashed into the dresser on the other side of us.

"I hate you, Sora!"

I felt tears of my own falling. I was angry and sad, going crazy with the rush of emotions ensued by seeing him again.

As I looked at him again, seeing a bloody wound forming on his arm, bruises on his face, I suddenly felt another emotion…

Regret.

He had been my friend…what could have driven me to this? The last time I'd seen him cry was when I told him Santa didn't exist, since then he hadn't cried a drop. And I'd driven him to become this crumpled mass, sobbing on the floor, squeezing his eyes shut against the pain…pain I had inflicted…

Sora wasn't to blame…

I was.

Before I could stop myself, I'd gathered him in my arms, pressing him to my chest. His body shook violently with his sobs. What have I done…?

My lips were suddenly warmed with his. He sniffed heavily and kissed me again, throwing his arms around my neck. Why is he doing this? I just beat the living shit out of him and screamed at him, blaming him for all my problems…

"Riku…" his voice whispered to me, raspy and pained. "I'm sorry…I should have tried harder…"

No…

"It's my fault…"

No.

"You're miserable and it's my fault…"

No!

"I deserve this…"

"NO!" I screamed, throwing him away from me. I glowered down at him furiously.

And then he was in my arms again. I threw him onto the bed and climbed on top of him, ripping away his shirt and pressing my lips to his roughly. He gasped and clung to me, our tongues thrashing together in his warm mouth. I moved to his chest, teasing him with kisses, licks, and bites, reveling in his cries of pleasure.

The fool was going mad with passion already, and I hadn't even gotten around to removing the rest of his clothes, or any of mine…

Correction…Sora was then pulling my shirt away, clumsy, inexperienced hands fumbling with the button of my pants. A chuckle rose in my throat that sounded evil, or maybe seductive to me and I stripped us both completely. He gazed his awe at my body and I at his…

Muscles only just beginning to form under soft, tanned skin…I ran my hands over him, supple stomach not yet touched with hard muscles, smooth back with perfect skin…a cute ass.

I couldn't help but laugh as he glared at me when I squeezed. He looked like he wanted to kick me, so I dipped my head down and claimed him instead, causing him to gasp loudly, all annoyance forgotten…

What a girl.

But I wasn't about to let him go just then…I stopped just when I knew he was about to release and plunged into him without warning. An animal like noise of mixed pain and pleasure rose in his chest and his breathing became increasingly labored. Spirits, he was gorgeous, beautiful eyes the color of the night sky glazed over with lust, mouth open, chest heaving, sweat dripping down his body…I wondered for a moment if I looked quite this radiant.

Thrusting in and out, our tongues met again in a fiery kiss. If I was driving him mad, it was nothing compared to what he was doing to me.

This was complete and utter ecstasy.

We came together one last time before our bodies gave in, spent from our loving. Sora curled to my side and grasped me around the waist tightly, as if afraid to let go. Decorating his forehead, cheeks, and lips with soft kisses, I stroked his hair until he fell asleep with his head on my chest. I knew then that I really, truly, undoubtedly loved him.

And I couldn't stay…that was what killed me. In the morning, I knew I'd have to leave before he could see be and beg me to stay with those pleading eyes I couldn't say no to.

I should hate him. I should never have even let him think about kissing me. This was wrong; all of it.

And so the next morning, I left…I knew Sora would forget about me before I would forget him…I would never forget that night…

If only I had known that he would never forget it either…

* * *

Wow, that turned out better and…ahem… more explicit than I expected it to be…XD; I'm sorry everyone! bows 

My, what I dramatic ending that was… I need to stop reading trashy romance novels. XP

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this! (bails as people assault her with flaming torches)


End file.
